Sunday, April 22, 2007

Now they want us to spy on eachother.

Date: Fri, 20 Apr 2007 15:53:15 -0500 (CDT)
Subject: Important Message from President Boren

To: All Students

Dear OU Students,

In light of the tragic events that occurred this week at Virginia Tech, I have been reviewing our emergency response plans to ensure that our system is current and effective. Knowing about potentially dangerous behavior is critical to our being able to assess if a threat may be present.

As a student on campus you are in a unique position to notice any unusual or concerning behavior that may pose a threat. Certainly, if you observe any behavior that may constitute a current or imminent threat, immediately contact the University of Oklahoma Police Department
by calling 911.

If you observe unusual behavior that concern you, but does not rise to the level of contacting the police, please discuss your concerns at the earliest possible time with the Vice President for Student Affairs, Clarke Stroud, or the Associate Vice President for Student Affairs, Susan Sasso. Both can be reached by calling 325-3161. Any information provided will be appropriately reviewed and a report and recommendation on the matter will be made to me. Please be assured that all information will be handled with the utmost sensitivity and discretion and with all due regard for constitutional and legal safeguards.

We appreciate your continued help and support.


David Boren
How do you like that? I'm not saying we're on 1984's doorstep, and I'm glad they made specific mention of constitutional and legal safeguards. I am saying that the last thing we need right now is to create an environment of fear and suspicion. If every guy walking down the south oval carrying an umbrella warrants a lockdown, and if you don't recognize somebody's yoga mat for what it is, you're supposed to call student affairs, we're going to have a campus full of unnecessarily scared people wasting the university's time. I supposed only time will tell, but I really, really hope this all just blows over.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

I'm not going to editorialize

I'm somewhat curious what you think.

Those of you who attend OU have already seen this, but here it is anyway.
From my e-mail today:

Date: Tue, 17 Apr 2007 09:55:13 -0500 (CDT)
Subject: Security Alert

TO: Students, Faculty, and Staff

Students, faculty and staff should stay in their buildings or dorms until further notice.


Date: Tue, 17 Apr 2007 10:25:10 -0500 (CDT)
Subject: Security Update

TO: All Students, Faculty, and Staff

The OU Police Department has made a saturated search of the area where a person carrying a suspicious object was spotted. No person with a weapon has been found. It is now believed that the person was possibly carrying a yoga mat which was mistaken for a weapon.. We should therefore proceed with the normal schedule. The individual carrying the items was described as a caucasian male of student age partially balding or with short hair and wearing a yellow shirt. If such a person is seen carrying a suspicious object it should be reported to the OU Police Department at 1911 or 325-1717 or blue phones should be used. If anyone feels that he may have been the person who was seen and was thought to be carrying a weapon that person should also call the OU Police Department to reassure the community.

Thank you for your cooperation

David L. Boren

And finally:

Date: Tue, 17 Apr 2007 12:10:27 -0500 (CDT)
Subject: Security Update

TO: All Students, Faculty, and Staff

The person apparently seen by the student making the earlier report has self-identified himself. He was carrying an umbrella and not a weapon. We appreciate his action in identifying himself. We now consider the matter closed. I appreciate the cooperation from the university community on this matter. We always want to err on the side of caution in a situation like this.

David L. Boren

Well, there you have it. Okay, I lied; I have to say something. "Self-identified himself"?! Just because the school's concerned about security doesn't mean they should stop proofreading. Ye gods, that's horrendous. Anyway, thoughts?

Saturday, April 14, 2007


We have a chance to make sure our state quarter is not dumb, like Montana's, where cows go to die, apparently.

Instead of just picking one himself, Governor Henry is putting it to a vote between five final designs (none of which are as bad as Montana's). You can vote online here, or do it by mail.

-I'm Joey, I'm disgusting

Thursday, April 12, 2007

I'm Joey I'm Disgusting


Sunday, April 08, 2007

History Without War: The American Experience

As some of you may know, Starbucks has been putting quotes and sayings on their cups lately in what is known as the "The Way I See It" program. One of the recent quotes to appear on an 8 oz. cup was this little incoherant beauty, #167: "History without war - a good plan for the future." -- Nancy Wilson; Member of Heart. I'm not going to gripe about the fact that it's not a complete sentence...I mean, what would you expect from a musician whose most famous line is "Ooooh, Baracuda?" No, this particular one sparked some interesting speculation. Matt and I wondered...what would history be like without war? From the perspective of a history major, things get a little ridiculous. Without further ado, I present:

History Without War: The American Experience

One day, the British Parliament raised taxes in the American colonies. The Continental Congress had them over for tea. They all decided that it would be a great idea if the colonies would make treaties with the French and govern themselves.

In the early 19th century, British and French navies were impressing American sailors, and the British were hoping they might get their colonies back. The Americans decided they could do without the sailors, as long as the British would give them a fireworks show over Baltimore Harbor so a lawyer could write a patriotic poem to the tune of an Irish drinking song. Andrew Jackson didn't get the memo, and spent the whole time trapsing around the Louisiana bayou with a bunch of pirates.

In the 1840s, some white guys decided to settle on Mexican land in Texas without permission, and of course the Mexicans were okay with the fact that they wanted to be part of the United States. In fact, they were so happy about it, that they decided to throw in California, Nevada, Arizona, and New Mexico for no reason whatsoever!

When anti-slavery candidate Abraham Lincoln was elected president, 11 southern states decided they'd had enough of northern agression, and seceeded from the United States. When the Union states heard about it, they immediately mobilized a large force and spent the next four years lining up with guns and rationally debating the constitutionality of secession. In 1863, they debated the emancipation of the slaves too. In the end, the South decided to abandon their most precious institution and rejoin the US because the Union's arguements were so compelling.

About 30 years later, Theodore Roosevelt put on a silly hat and rode his horse around the Caribbean. Meanwhile, a bunch of American ships dropped anchor in the Phillipeans. The Spanish were too busy eating paella and drinking chocolate to care, and the American empire was born.

In the 1910s, the British, French, Germans, Italians, and Austro-Hungarians decided to spend a few years sitting in mud puddles. The Americans decided to join them, but they weren't wimpy and European enough, and the party broke up pretty quickly afterwords. For some reason, the Germans and French had a big spat about the bill for the croissants, and they both ended up poor and angry.

After that arguement, a young German artist named Adolf Hitler rose to power. He decided to kill all the Jews, but then he changed his mind, and went back to art school. The Japanese empire was going to try taking over the entire Pacific, but they got one look at Hitler's paintings and decided they couldn't go on.

In the '50s, the Koreans couldn't decide whether it would better to be communist or capitalist, so the US and the Chinese came over and they had a pie-eating contest to decide the winner. It was a tie, so they drew a line down the middle of the country and decided to stare across it at eachother for the next 50 years.

The Vietnamese communists challenged the capitalists to a game of hide and seek in the jungle. They were just too good at hiding, and nobody could find them. Then they went home in their helicopters.

After the hide-and-seek catastrophe, people wondered if the US would ever win another game of hide and seek...but more on hide and seek later. In 1991, Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait. The US mobilized a large force. The tanks rolled up to the border, and were poised to roll across and violently crush the Iraqis in a storm of explosions and blood and death. But Saddam had recently been playing Risk 2210. He whipped out a card and said "Ha ha ha!!! George Bush!!! I have CEASEFIRE CARD!! You cannot attack me!" And he had to wait for his next turn to attack.

So, back to hide and seek. We found some Afghanis. Hooray!

When the US got their next turn, they went after Iraq again. Saddam considered fighting back, but decided that a better defence would be to make the US run the country themselves. Then he was hanged...for no reason at all.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

I've Had an Epiphany

You people make me sick.

That's right, you all, the meat-eaters of the world, make me want to regurgitate my innards all over your tainted kitchen tables. I've made the solemn vow before nature and evolution and Sacred Cows to never consume the flesh of a poor innocent creature again, for every bite of their blood-soaked tissue is another drop of my soul that seeps out of the pours of my humanity, into the choking morass of cold immorality. I will fight for the rights of defenseless creatures that have no way to fight the wicked humans that chop them up into tiny bits, as every cell screams out in the agony of a thousand burning villagers. We must stand where a hamburger cannot stand, shout where the ham and cheese sandwich cannot shout, rise up for all the chicken wings that could never rise up!

Vegetarianism is not enough! Vegans across the world is the only way the precious animals will ever get their due, and have the wrongs done them righted. Every day across the world, atrocities are being committed sooner than we eat out breakfast. Thousands of aborted chickens are consumed without a second thought, other than this egg is tasty. BARBARIANS! How would you feel if those were your embryos!? You certainly wouldn't fry them up in a deplorable pan mired with diced veggies and morally reprehensible cheese. That deplorable concoction poisons everything from perfectly reasonable pasta and nutritious broccoli to the hated hamburger and senseless chili con carne. People take the purest food lovingly made for young animals by their mothers and ruin it with insidious enzymes and belligerent bacteria. But don't think for a second that you're in the clear if you leave that milk untouched. Homoginization is a sin, and there are starving calves in Africa. Every time you pour an ounce of milk, God kills a kitten. You don't want to kill kittens, do you?